“I don’t fit in, I fit out’.
Do you feel that way most of the time? Do you spend an awful lot of time every night to pick the perfect outfit for going to work tomorrow? Does it give you anxiety that if you don’t look posh, your colleagues will talk about you behind your back?
Do you feel the urge to splurge on designer clothes so that you can blend right in with your stylish friends? Do you meticulously go through all 100 selfies that you took before posting the ‘perfect’ one to get more reactions?
I can keep going on and on. You get the idea and maybe have been nodding yes while playing the scenarios in your head. Just the other day I was watching this animation movie with my brother, it’s about an alien who is way different than its alien counterparts.
The movie is produced by DreamWorks animation and it’s called ‘Home’. When the alien said, ‘I don’t fit in, I fit out’, I heard it!
We all have this unstoppable desire to feel accepted! We fear being judged by others. We fear rejection. We don’t want to disappoint our loved ones. So we make adjustments. We look at ourselves through their eyes. Since there is no way of knowing what really is going on someone else’s head, we assume it for ourselves.
We keep trying to dress, act, smile, and talk the way we believe people want us to. It gives us anxiety, forces us to forget who we genuinely are. What do you find so despicable about you that you have to be someone else to fit in? We all have our own shortcomings and sure, it would be great to grow as a person and leave most of them behind.
But, when you are doing your best and still feeling that you are not good enough, you probably are giving other’s perspective way too more power than you should. That’s torture and you don’t deserve that. You are entitled to feel comfortable in your own skin. So, let’s get out of that self-made prison and take actions to live your best life!
Accept yourself
Easier said than done. Maybe you know who you are as a person. That person doesn’t fit the image that you have created among others. But, you did that because it felt like you would feel less confident being who you really are.
So you started faking it till you make it. In the process you lost yourself and every day you move further away from your authentic self. Stop right there. Find your core values, your standards, your passions and accept them as your own. Then stick to them and manifest them proudly.
If you learn to do that, you’ll be able to say ‘I can’t’ without feeling guilty next time your friend asks you to do something that doesn’t align with your core values. You’ll do what suits you best and let me tell you, that’ll feel so liberating that you would start questioning yourself why you didn’t start this earlier!
Find your people
More often than not we stay friends with people long after we have outgrown them, or vice versa. We keep hanging out together and going to the movies together because we fear change. If you let that feeling go and risk getting to know more people, you might look at yourself differently.
You’ll find people who share the same interest as you, who are comfortable with not knowing a lot about pop culture but can talk for hours about personal growth which is more like your niche. You get to feel appreciated for who you really are.
Your tribe, once you find them, will resonate with you so deeply that you would never feel like hiding behind that mask you have been wearing for too long.
Put things into perspective
Such a cliché, right? Everyone says that and you know that already. But you need to remind yourself that every time you start to think people are talking or thinking about you all the time. Maybe you are worried that everyone is laughing about the mistake you made in the meeting yesterday.
But, are they? Do they have enough time to think about you after dealing with their own lives, jobs and insecurities? Sometimes you are the only one sitting there, judging yourself so harshly for not finding the right word at the moment, for not wearing a tie or something even more trivial!
Look at the bigger picture and move on with your life while others are moving on with theirs.
Forgive yourself for making mistakes
They say, to err is human. You say that to your friend when they blame themselves for not knowing better. You show compassion, tell them not to beat themselves up! You remind them that we learn from our mistakes and our failures have nothing to do with our self-worth!
But, when it comes to your own self, you give in to cognitive distortion which leads you to the worst possible thoughts about yourself when you stumbled for once. You keep blaming yourself and can’t accept that you are not only allowed to make mistakes but also obligated to make some when you walk the path toward growth.
You tried your best and failed. Let that be as simple as that. Learn the lesson and move on. Don’t dwell on your mistakes. It’s harder for you to forgive yourself because you lack self-compassion. Cultivate that and be your best friend. You are stuck with yourself for this lifetime. Make this endeavor a pleasant one.
Learn to be alone without being lonely
Seems irrelevant? Let me tell you how it’s pertinent to this context. We human beings evolved to form connections and we feel better in groups. When we don’t find like-minded people, we start hanging out with the wrong crowd.
Psychologists from the University of Virginia and Harvard University have conducted a study where they found that a considerable percentage of people would rather experience an electric shock than spend time alone with their own thoughts.
So, to shun that we keep molding ourselves into a version that is acceptable to others. We fear being embarrassed in front of them. So, we sit in a theatre staring at a movie that doesn’t interest us at all. We try to smoke pot with them in order to avoid being called ‘old school’.
While none of these are ‘wrong’, they surely are detrimental to your personal growth and happiness.
So, learn to stay alone until you find your tribe. And remember, to find them you need to stay true to yourself. Wake up every morning with the confidence to show up as your authentic self.
If you have read this far and now you are feeling like you can’t do any of these, I am telling you from my experience that you can. I was someone who’d never speak up even when I had exceptionally great ideas because I was scared of being ridiculed by people who don’t really matter.
I missed out on so many opportunities. But instead of berating myself for those days, I pat myself on the back and keep trying to grow. I have started to put myself out there and sharing my journey through my writing is a part of that as well. I am loving it so far. I am sure you will too!
