I am an overthinker; whatever happens in my life stays with me for a little longer than it should. I keep pondering over every detail of every event, point by point until I find out what exactly I should have said or done. Now that I am done with that, my head will run towards the future. I have to take a test tomorrow and have to resolve a conflict or end the relationship with someone after work. My brain hates to waste any time and gets right into the conversation that we will have tomorrow! Let me tell you something! This feeling that I get, where I have to be prepared for everything and the one where I should have done things differently, I don’t really live in the present. I am either loitering around the past or peaking at my future. I developed anxiety and I barely get a goodnight sleep without stimulants!
Then I started reading about stuff to chain my thoughts so that I can sit in a place for more than a minute. I want to go to therapy but not now, not here. People don’t really take it normally when you pay a visit to the psychologist or psychiatrist! They label you as a ‘Psycho’ or perhaps even ‘Crazy’. So I am waiting till I leave the country and meanwhile, why don’t I become my own therapist!
The more I was reading into it, the more I got to learn the importance of being present, enjoying the moment. I learned that it has a name and that is called ‘Mindfulness’. It sure felt like they are talking about my mind which is full of thoughts but in reality it wasn’t even close. I found out I was not alone and to clarify our understanding of mindfulness, Scott Kiloby an eminent author explained what it was. He said,” Mindfulness is really present moment awareness. It’s a way of being aware of what is happening in one’s present experience, but in a way that is not clinging to whatever is happening. This brings about a deep sense of acceptance of one’s self, others and the world.”
That got me thinking about accepting myself. How do you do that? I sure did get into that. But, I’ll talk about that some other day.
Anyway, I learned that when I am being mindful, I am actually staying aware of what is happening at the very moment, how I am breathing, what sound is coming through my window, what smell is coming from the kitchen and surprisingly , for that very moment I was not upset about my ‘should have done’ or ‘have to do’ list! I felt peace. It was brief, maybe 3 seconds at best. But it was so empowering and almost impossible to master for my restless mind. See, now after being mindful for a minute or so, I started to become a self-judgmental, rude person to myself which is actually the opposite of being mindful. It leads you to self- awareness and self-compassion. So, you don’t get to be your biggest hater that you are right now.
You look at yourself through someone else’s eyes, with compassion and empathy. It didn’t really make sense to me at first. But an insomniac has all the time in the world. So, I kept reading and realized that I don’t get to judge a practice without really learning every aspect of it. I found out that mindfulness can be practiced in every corner of my life. While I eat, walk, work out, read, try to sleep I get to practice it and really experience all of those things rather than just moving on auto pilot mode.
I learned about something called Forest bathing or Shinrin-Yoku which is a Japanese mindfulness technique. Shinrin in Japanese means “forest,” and yoku means “bath.”
I love nature and this sounded like an astounding idea to walk in the woods. Like really walking and feeling my feet touching the ground. Not taking a thousand pictures for my Facebook or Instagram profile, not trying to be someone else to fit in other’s world. With every step I need to become more and more aware of my present surroundings; how it looks, what sounds I can hear and the smells of forest air. Sure my mind will start wandering but this time instead of hating myself for not being born with mindfulness, I’ll cut myself a little slack and come back to the moment, again. Every time it runs off, I’ll bring my poor, burdened with the weight of the world, and exhausted mind back to the moment.
I am working from home since April and there is no forest near me. But I learned that mindful people don’t really care about their physical whereabouts, it’s about their mental setting which is important. So, I kept trying to feel how I eat, chew, drink, hum during the shower.
I am such a newbie in this and I have to keep bringing my mind back to it, but I have started to see the difference. It’ll take years of practice maybe. Well, it’s something to cultivate and doesn’t happen in a day. So, I am walking down this path and feel like journaling.
I still struggle with sleep, listening to sleep meditation podcasts don’t work for me, at all. But I have a newfound knack for learning about spirituality and it helps.
If you have read this far, you deserve a take-home message. Let me tell you that in Layman’s terms! Just sit with your thoughts or stand or be wherever you are. Don’t try to take it all in a day. Just tell your wandering mind to come back, nicely. Consciously try to be just where you are. Let the world fall apart. Let all those judgmental, self-deprecating talks come and slowly push them away. Don’t believe them. Try to talk to yourself as you talk to your best friend when they need you. That’s another journey which is self-compassion. We’ll go there. One thing at a time.
During a pandemic, while it’s really easy to get swayed by all the fears and negativity, I needed this practice more than ever. It didn’t quite save me but sure threw me a buoy to cling on to.
(Disclaimer: I just wrote from my online research and personal experience. Take it with a grain of salt but do your own research. It’s worth it. )
